You made me cry and you don't even care
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
