So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
