On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
