I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
