Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
