OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
