I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
