There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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