The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
