I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
