I just threw up on my dentist
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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