wrigley field is MILF paradise
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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