u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
