i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
