Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
