thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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