I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
