I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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