his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
