you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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