ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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