Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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