I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
