Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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