I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
