Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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