Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
