toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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