Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You can't special order awesome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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