im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just forgot I was standing up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
