we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
