I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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