The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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