weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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