She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
