Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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