You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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