wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
