Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
