why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
