It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
