This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
