awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
