apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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