I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
