I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
