Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
