just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ladies don't puke and tell
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
