At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
