I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
