He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
