dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
