Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
